Worth it

I had something happen to me this past week that was horribly negative and unkind, but boy did it teach me something.

For that reason I am glad it happened.

I cannot give you specific details but I can say that I was made to feel like dollars mattered before my health.

I have never had someone disregard my “life” before and elevate money over it. Afterwords I was so mad that I could have spit nails, it took me a long time to cool down, eventually I did.

After the anger, a feeling surged through me that was so strong. It was the surge of the realization that I was worth fighting for.

Now that may seem strange and you are thinking of course you are! But for me… I believe that the past few months finally caught up to me and I do not have a lot of “umph” left. Maybe even I wondered if fighting was the best option for me. I have been fighting daily the past 5 months to survive, to live, to grieve, to fight and I am plumb worn out. Physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually.

I think there is even a part of me that thought maybe God is thinking I am not worth fighting for either because my goodness - look at the facts of what has happened in my life the past while! I have a very long list of negatives.

**Please note- please do NOT respond to this, it is not a plea for affirmation. Keep reading…

When I was presented with this comparison of money or life- there arose a force inside me that absolutely said “YES, I am worth fighting for.”

I do not think I really knew that. Weird as that may seem but that day it got a hold of me, wrapped itself around me and stood up and shouted! I AM WORTH IT!

Following that indignation and determination came epic sadness and sobs. Guttural sobs which have been holed up somewhere inside that needed releasing, and out they came, in all their ugliness. Out came the despair, the pain, the fear and the grief. Out came this black darkness and it was like I was pulling and pulling and pulling the dead, black and rotten grief out.

When I was done, red rimmed and swollen eyes, stared back at me, Kleenex littered the floor, but instead of darkness there was light now. There was a freedom, there was a realization that me, Jane, had something to contribute to the world. AND that me, Jane, even if she did not contribute one more thing- she was still valuable just the way she is. These were profound and deep truths that invaded my heart.

It is not that I did not know these truths, it is not that I forgot them. It is more that the blackness grew.

Take a campfire when you are out camping, we often have it going all day long. It’s nice but really gives no light until the light starts to fade and the darkness comes bit by bit until the blackness all but swallows up the light. It is a slow fade, that you really do not notice until you cannot see, that is when the light of the fire shines in the dark. It lets you see, it provides warmth and a provides a comfortable place to be.

Trouble is my campfire had gone out, I did not know, the fade had happened slowly. Before I knew it, the blackness was too black, the dark was too dark. I could not see.

This happens to a lot of us, we find ourselves alone, isolated, sick, in pain, grief stricken, we look around and all we can see is black. We have landed in a hole, a big black hole that we have no idea how to climb out.

God does. Sometimes He will use circumstances, sometimes He uses a counsellor, a doctor, a therapist. He can use medicine or herbs, He can use people and others who care. Sometimes He simply shows up Himself.

These times happen to us all. Life is not always cheerful and rosy and the Bible never ever promises it will be.

“There will be trials and tribulations..” John 16:33

They will happen, it is not if but when.

I am not ashamed or dismayed at my reaction, it was a normal and real reaction. I had missed my way, led by a lot of pain. God showed up, in an unexpected way, not in a whay I could have thought of, to remind me and point me to the path of life again. He was not mad or disappointed in me, He wrapped me in a hug, set my feet on solid ground and made sure I knew that He also thought I was worth it.

Depression, despair, grief, pain, sadness, all of these can cause us to miss when the fire has gone out. It is okay to tell someone you trust how you are feeling. It is okay to admit life looks rather black right now. It is even okay to stay in the home for a little while, and not even tell anyone, but not for too long. It is more than okay to pour your heart out to God, even telling Him how you feel and how you feel about Him. He can take it.

But please, do not stay in the dark for long. Take the first step in the realization of how black and dark life looks right now. Tell someone you trust. Go see a doctor or counsellor. For I can say with certainty - that even if it is black and we cannot see the moon or the stars, surely on the other side of the world, the sun is shining. The sun will rise again in the morning where we are and push the darkness aside, we simply may need to get some help in giving it a little push. But you are worth it, I know it, others know it and above all, God knows it. Do not give up, keep walking towards the light.

The campfire burning in the dark is the thing that changes everything. It gives light attracting things and people towards it, it provides safety from the wilderness and warmth for our souls. So the darker it gets, the more that campfire shines, brighter, warmer and it becomes the most beautiful and powerful thing in the night. That’s who we can be, the safe place for others who are suffering in the dark. Keep your fire burning, day and night for your sake and the sake of others. You are needed.