I want to talk about an uncomfortable subject. But this past week has been a roller coaster of emotions, decisions, thoughts, tears and a little laughter as well. The laughter has come as we have shared stories of our “Brian” with each other. Brian knew how to make people laugh.
The subject I want to talk about is what happens after you die, I am not meaning “you” the passed on one, but for the family left behind. I can honestly say I had no idea, and I thought I did.
Did you know that often in the first 24-48 hours after a loved one has passed, you may be required to make 70-75 decisions? How do you make 1 decision when your brain and heart are so scrambled in the first place, never mind 70!
The week after Brian’s death was the planning week, so many plans, decisions and things that had to come together, all the while actively grieving.
This week after Brian’s funeral is the week of “paper work” and notifying places about Brian. I have only just begun and it is emotionally draining, confusing and a whole lot of work. I have realized that I need to be looking at and planning some of that burden that gets left to family for when I, myself go, not that I have any set dates or anything.
Pre-planning your funeral, is a loving thing to do. I am not saying that Brian was not loving by not doing it, but I think he and I are just like most people and truly have no idea what is involved after a loved one dies, and if you do not know, how can you do it? But I am telling you to find out, see if you can help the process, have a will, talk to your loved ones about what you would like in terms of funeral, burial or not, things that are important to you.
At some of the stages of this grieving process you zone out, your brain stops functioning, I find myself often struggling to make a sentence, I might be able to get one “word” but not a sentence. That is totally okay. Something major has muddled my thinking.
I also get so tired. That is also okay. Grief is an exhausting emotion.
I walk back and forth from room to room wondering what I was about to do. I call it the “process” and I seem to get distracted in the middle of the process and get stuck, “what was I doing?” Sometimes I remember and other times I do not. Again it is okay, it is normal for this process.
My brain will not shut down because I am a person with 1,000 questions, so even when I am so tired, I cannot sleep. That is also normal.
I know from experience with others that grief is a process, not quick and not always pretty. I have looked up “Griefshare”, a support group for loved ones left behind and found a group fairly near me. I have read up on a counsellor should I think I need one that I would go and talk to. I am trying to be prepared as I know there is still so much of the emotional journey ahead.
I have learned so much about my husband that I never knew this past week, good and bad. But what I learned most of all was that he was well loved, and he made an impact on so many peoples lives. I LOVED finding that out. Brian made people feel important to his world, he took time for people, even if it was by phone, because the man was usually in a truck. It is like Brian will live on in our many memories, and we should share our stories.
I, my boys, my family, Brian’s mom and family have been overwhelmed with people’s kindness, generosity, care and concern for all of us. This part alone has threatened to take me to my knees at the enormity of people’s goodness and love. We have been blessed beyond what we can ever imagine. I have had so many people tell me that they have never seen such support and care in their lives as they watch us be showered in it.
I know “thank you” does not come close to what I want to say, the gratitude we all feel for you reaching out, responding and helping us through this grief journey. But that is what we have to offer, one HUGE big hug and a THANK YOU!
I have had people surrounding me, helping me, reaching out to me, since the day I found out about Brian.
I had one wise man call me and tell me to make a deal with him. I answered tentatively…. He said, “Jane, will you let people help you when they offer. You have been one of the ones who offered many times, now it is time to let people help you. Deal?” I agreed but I had no idea the enormity of the “deal” or how widespread, or how huge this deal was.
It is simple: People Rock!
I and our families are well blessed, well cared for and well loved.
Again, on behalf of Brian, myself, Brian’s family and my family, thank you for loving Brian well, and thank you for loving us well, we are and will be forever grateful.
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