I was having a bad couple weeks. There seemed to be an undercurrent of negative thoughts everywhere I went in my head.
Weirdly enough other people seemed to be helping feed the negative- they were not helping me feel better.
I had a lot of thoughts swirling and it was hard to find a positive. I had a series of events, conversations and self-talks and they all seemed to point to a common thread: I was failing.
Failing as a farmer, failing as a wife, failing as a Christian, failing as a mom. Now many of you are way ahead of me and know those thoughts do NOT come from God. But I was having a hard time breaking through it. I could not figure out why.
I was having a good pity party and was in full whine talking to God about it. Telling Him all my faults and blunders why I wasn’t good enough to teach or help others.
I barely heard His incredulous quiet statement of “Did you think you got those giftings because of something you’ve done? And now that you feel like a failure the giftings and My love are gone?”
Well yes, actually at that moment, I did think that.
He let me know that my behaviour never bought my salvation and keeping my salvation is not based on my behaviour. Neither can my behaviour buy any of His gifts. All of that package is because of Jesus and only Jesus.
God let me know very clearly that my “gifts “ or God’s use of me was absolutely not dependent on me being more special, more gifted or more deserving. It was not based on what I did or did not do.
Now this thought made me even sadder because I was sure I had somewhere put in time or effort and deserved some “favour”. I had worked hard, so very hard, for Gods Kingdom after all.
His Kingdom does not work that way.
Which of your children is the most “special?” I’m praying you say they are all special and they all do different things differently, each is unique.
God is our Father and we are His children and He loves us all equally. You cannot buy His love and favour or His gifts.
Man, I think I get caught up on trying to win or work for Gods eye and favour many times in my life if I am honest.
It might even be on the sub-conscious level but deep somewhere inside of me - there is this little voice that says: “Hey God, over here, I’m special, pick me. Have you noticed what I did for you? How hard I’ve been working for you?”
That’s pride talking.
How do I know? Because I’ve thunk it, I've done it, and I’ve accused God of not noticing all my efforts to please Him: maybe a bit of an ego problem.
To hear God give me this little pep talk made me feel worse, because now I was not even doing that right!
God went on to say that ALL the gifts of the Holy Spirit are available as I need them and as He sees fit to give them to me. It has nothing to do with me deserving any of them.
I love all my kids and have lived as their mom long enough to know what they like, what they need and that one responds differently than another. It’s not wrong- they are just different.
God gives us what we need at the right time.
He reminded me of my first occasion to pray at the prayer room. The gentleman was stage 4 cancer had not eaten for 8 days. I was sure he was going to die. If it had been up to me I probably would have said- it might be too late to pray, but pray I did and I asked for healing even when “I knew” it probably wouldn’t work.
But God… but God did not need my faith, He didn’t need my diagnosis. He simply needed me to lift this man up in prayer before Him- no matter what I believed.
God healed that man. Such a huge lesson for me - Gods healing is not dependent on “my” faith. I could not earn or work for that man’s healing and neither can you “work” for yours.
Oswald Chambers says “it’s easier to do something than to trust in God. This is why we see so few fellow workers with God yet so many people working for God.” June 1 My Utmost for His Highest.
When I hold my little granddaughter in my arms and stare into her beautiful face, I think to myself, who knew I could love her so much! She has done nothing to get my love, she didn’t work for it, it is not earned, it is not even expected. I love her simply because she’s born.
You and I are born into Gods family - you get Gods whole LOVE, not just a little part, simply because you are you.
How cool is that- let that thought swirl around your heart today. You are loved by your Creator just because you are you.
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