I had no idea

Wow, do you remember when I told you that in the first 24-48 hours after a death, possibly 70-75 decisions could be made by the person left behind?

Well no one told me in the first month 1 million more decisions were coming!!

Last week I mentioned having a signed and witnessed will- it is a must people, please do it for the sake of those you love and will be left behind.

The paperwork and notifications and amount of brain power needed after someone passes away is hard work! So here is this week’s news flash! There are a few things that have taken me by surprise, perhaps you know about them or perhaps you do not.

A lawyer told me that if everything is joint when a person passes away, meaning if I die then Brian gets everything or if Brian dies he leaves everything to me, there is no “probate” needed. This is the easiest way to process a will and estate.

Probate is a complicated and lengthy legal procedure that requires the executor of a will to execute the will for the deceased according to the law. If there is property involved or owned possessions then probate is necessary and a court will have to “grant” probate and is not a short process.

This same lawyer said if you can avoid probate by granting monetary gifts before you pass or having no property in your name it makes it much easier for your estate to be processed.

If you have no will and have children it can get really messy. The government will probably be involved to make some decisions in this case.

Another MUST is please have your own personal life insurance. Get a term policy from a reputable advisor. Do not rely on a policy from work, or one attached to a loan, or even the one attached to your mortgage.

Here’s why and what I discovered on this process:

I am talking about insurance attached to say a car loan, atv or those kind of loans. Did you know it is normal on these type of loans to sell you insurance that only lasts for 1/3 or 1/2 of the loan term? Insurance is a numbers game and if they do not have to pay you- win for them! For instance if you financed something for 60 months, if you check your policy it may only have insurance for 36 months. Please check your loans as this is not unusual. Most people do not know this.

These type of insurance companies and bank or finance companies require a doctor to sign off on the death. If your person was in the hospital or under the care of a doctor this may not be a bad experience for you. However should you need a Medical Examiner death certificate, in the case of autopsy or a sudden death, it is not at all unusual to be waiting 4-7 months for that form. I am not kidding, the Medical Examiner’s office itself told me this. No other form will do- most insurance companies must have a doctor signature on the death certificate.

What this means is that until you get the medical Examiner form- you will get no insurance and your payments will continue to come out. Yes the insurance will eventually pay you retroactive to the date of death, but you must continue to pay the payments until such time. This puts the surviving spouse and/or family in a delicate position. It was advised to me to find some way to be able to make the payments for another half a year. (Thanking God that we had some private insurance). I have since heard stories of families who lost everything while waiting for their insurance to pay. This is horrific and the fact that a lot of people are not aware of this, like us who thought, "Our insurance will kick in right away....." truly did not know. Not that you can ever prepare for a death, but if we buy insurance, someone should explain to us exactly how it can or cannot work for you.

Now the next item: CPP.

A persons CPP, can only go to the person’s legal spouse or common law partner or children under the age of 25. Even though the person paid into CPP their entire career only a spouse or children under 25 can claim 60%. But if the spouse is already collecting a pension that amount drops again. Who gets the other 40% or more? Well the government helps themselves to that. Remember no will, no spouse, no children under 25 - the government claims it all, even though it belongs to the deceased person. Just saying…

Anything but normal: I walked into a grocery store the first time since Brian passed. A very normal experience that we all do and probably have done for years. It is a very normal activity. I got my buggy, headed in and within 3 minutes I was assaulted by the fact that nothing in my world was “normal”. I had started down the mental path of what I normally bought for Brian’s lunches. There were not going to be any more lunches and quite frankly I did not know what to buy. I had the overwhelming desire to sit on the floor and cry. I did not but I shed a few tears in the produce department.

May I share a couple thoughts for a moment about how to approach or talk to someone who has just lost someone. I am not sure that we think about teaching our kids and teenagers what to do when faced with this. I think we, ourselves, are not sure what to say. Young people have not usually been exposed to death are not sure what to do with these type of conversations. Help your children by talking about this subject before they have to face it and maybe we need to talk to ourselves as well, if we "freeze" up talking to someone about this subject.

The statement we have learned that is to be said is: “sorry for your loss.”

Now this works but who said it was the only thing to say?

How about:

1. you have been on my heart since I heard

2. I have been praying for you and your family

3. I am so sorry your heart is hurting, I am here if you need anything

4. I can’t imagine what you are going through

5. Thinking of you today and sending my deepest sympathies

I have run into a couple very difficult situations this week, I had a young lady, the cashier at a store, who obviously was not comfortable with this subject and she kept giggling. It was a nervous giggle because she was ackward but she would do well to practice talking about hard topics before someone swats her thinking she is being very insensitive.

I have had someone else sort of cling to me and then proceed to “pet me” like a cat. Can I simply say: Don’t Ever do that!

The most common question I get is: “what happened?” Then I am expected to fill them in on all the details. Wrong!

In the cases of accidents, falling off a ladder, allergic reactions, traffic accidents, any accidents, that particular question likes to pinpoint the “blame”, even if we are not consciously thinking of it. "Oh, it was the ladders fault." Or "it was a really dumb idea to go up on the roof." How does trying to find an answer help the grieving family? It doesn’t. They do not wish to re-hash it over and over nor should they have to. It keeps their emotions “stuck” and their loved one is still gone and they are trying hard to navigate life without them.

My sister in law walked in at a business on a conversation full tilt about the accident Brian was in by 2 women who thought they “knew” what had happened. It was horrific for her. They didn’t know her or her involvement and they certainly did not have their facts straight but felt free to throw blame and shame around. Shame on them!

My sister in law informed these 2 reliable gossipers that they were very misguided and did not know squat because they did not in fact have all the information and then she walked off, with her broken heart.

Now before you condemn me or them or yourself PLEASE hear this… I did not write this to shame or blame anyone. I wrote this blog to convey information that is new and that I did not know, I wrote it because I have perhaps have not done a good job helping other hurting people in their grief. I wrote it because if no one says it- how will we ever know?

I have been surrounded by friends and family who have been here for me. Who check on me often, I appreciate that. Who are not afraid to find out how I am doing and let me be on the “off doing” days. I am a woman who is truly blessed. I know this is not the way for many people and if anything I share can help them, by helping us be more aware, then it is worth sharing some of my journey.